a guide to comedic acknowledgment, capitalization, and email etiquette through the eyes of a cynic

ok. if you aren't an awkward twat and have some semblance of how much of an lol or a haha to give someone, here's a little explanation. im kinda pissed that i have to make this post, but people really have no clue what they're doing and come off like rancid assholes on the internet. yes im aware people interpret text differently than if two people were talking face to face, but that isn't the case, so adjust your fucking internal calibrations. (insert napoleon dynamite Gohhhhdd)

everything is situational by how long you've known the person, they're personality, the mood and direction of the conversation. 

so lets start out simple for all you people out there in lancaster and fucking bloomsburg. "haha" is sufficient for most comedic acknowledgments. if you're in a neutral mood, the joke wasnt extraordinarily funny, and you're simply acknowledging the joke instead of adding onto the joke,  just use "haha." lowercase, 4 letters, haha. thats it. if you're coming out of a funk or are depressed and they're trying to cheer you up but you dont really feel like laughing, contrary to what LOL stands for, type "lol." lowercase, 3 letters. thats it.

if you just met someone, there is almost zero reason for you to exceed 4 letters of comedic acknowledgment. none. so unless the person you're talking to is very very very easygoing and lenient on the internet, dont take the chance of pissing them off by doing something like this:

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Them - my roommate told me to add you, he said you live around here? pretty crappy area huh

You - i know right HAHAHAHA

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one tangent of many i assume, <Correct and accurate punctuation, like this, is all well and dandy if you have autocorrect and it does it automatically; or if you are an avid grammatical nutcase;> but if you typing out every single uppercase letter and weird little fucking semi-colon is taking too long and your reader is sitting there waiting for a response to something like "hey hows that new applebees down near the museum?", they must be a bit pissed when they receive "Oh, you know, it was just a typical Applebees, wood-panelling, unnecessary stained glass lighting, so forth." they might just log off in frustration.  i know for a fact that im not overreacting, because many of my friends say they know what im talking about. the term 'instant messenger' implies the messages are sent in an instant, not a decade. type out the information using as little punctuation, capitalization and weird fucking marks like [{]}\;";| that.

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back to my original point.

nope, i lied. another tangent. TYPING LIKE THIS MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A DOUCHEBAG. i can probably count on one hand the times i've typed in all caps in the past 2 years. unless you're talking to someone you know very well and something deeply comedic happens like a candid shot of your cousin was taken of her trying to make a potted plant drink the rest of her martini, or you're a fucktard craigslist poster person trying to grab people's attention even though every other fucking post on the page is also in all caps, there is no reason for all caps. dont be deceived by that key next to the "A" -- underneath that key is a second sensor that delivers a signal to the IRS and you get $500 taken out of your tax returns every time it's depressed. keep that in mind, large man swallowing up his computer chair and the wheels cry out for relief.

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keedokee, back to the haha's. if someone if really trying to make you laugh and you dont want to make shit uncomfortable between you two, a "haha" might not do the trick.  if someone is putting legit effort into making their joke valid in your eyes, you better add 1 more "h" at the end, producing a 5 letter expression that looks like this "hahah."  no more, no less. 

also bear in mind, you can also achieve this effect by adding one more "L" to the end of "lol" producting this expression: "loll."  no more, no less.

again, if you know the person well enough and they have about the same type of humor as you do, and you've thought your decision through to add repeated -ahahaha's and -lololllol's, be my guest, just dont say i didnt warn you when they're response back is something like "yeah..." or "gotta go bye."

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email ettiquette

once again, i didn't want to have to make this publicly accessible, but by indirect popular demand, it's been subconsciously requested, and all too needed. 

lets start out simple again.  if you are emailing someone who is above you at your work, someone you simply have never met before, basically anyone who isn't in your direct atomic or extended family, or close friends, use proper capitalization punctuation and grammar, use spell check, grammar check, all of that. make it look like a white house letter.

if you are responding to an ad, lets say you're interested in a couch you read about on craigslist, and the ad states to email for information and pictures, do not do this:

You - PICTURES???????

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or things like this will happen.  this actually happened.

Them - PICTURES?????

Me -

you're not getting anything because you are ignorant to email courtesy

Them -  
Wow ur a fucking piece of shit!!!!!!!!

Ur a nigger bitch!!!!!!! 

Me -  

took you 2 emails to get that all out?

Them -  

Email courtesy honey take down ur fucking cl post bitch.

Me -  
jesus, were your parents siblings? little suggestion, if you want
something from someone, be polite about it. this whole mess of a
personality you have is oh so appealing, but maybe if you keep talking,
maybe one day you'll say something intelligent.

Them -  
All cause I said do u have pictures??????? Wow email courtesy!!! Wow...lol!! And hunny don't talk about my parents. But for ur information there dead. Thanks 

Me -  
probably killed themselves after they saw the abomination you turned out
to be

Them -  
Wow to say that to someone whose parents died when they were 3yrs old!!!!! Rot in hell bitch!!

Me -  
you're getting redundant, im kinda busy now, can i ignore you later?

Them - 

Ya

Lol delete my fucking email coward 

Me -  its physically impossible for you to see if people delete emails, but 
that just furthers my claim of you knowing nothing about emailing. i 
really enjoy the shittiness of your life, you really spend your time 
emailing half-baked insults to complete strangers? 

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 so, several things to take away from this exchange, a - dont fuck with me. b - dont be a dick with email courtesy or these things will happen to you if you end up emailing an angry pessimistic cynic like myself, and c - i'll bring your inbred family into the argument. honestly, most people wouldn't overreact this far, but i was trying to prove a point, and i was also kinda tired, and i get cranky when i dont get my nap lol. but normal people might not send the pictures you requested simply because they don't like the way you asked. in these emails, the format is very informal, however it does not warrent you typing and talking like a fucking savage who just learned the interwebs yesterday. less is more, almost always. if you think something might be 'overdoing it,' you're probably right. on the other side of the same card, if you actually had those inclinations and that forethought, you probably wouldn't be reading this. i honestly expect like one person to read this, i just like to document my descent into total insanity and depravity. 

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that is all for now, there will be further installments if things continue to piss me off