so my moms really cool...

storytime. mikey and his boyfriend from ohio went to the club with me tonight, he had a few shots in philly so he was obviously not able to drive anywhere, and mikey doesnt have a license. so we come home and open a bottle of wine we bought, because GASP were mature people who are allowed to have some wine on occasion if were not driving anywhere for the night. much to my chagrin, i hear 'thump, thump, thump' then a door opening and a very inpatient old woman holler downstairs DREW, COME UP HERE PLEASE. i gave mikey the same 'wee this will be fun' fake smile that i gave him when i saw about 17 of my ex's in the club earlier that night. i go upstairs and the conversation follows:

mom - are you alone?
me - no
mom - ugh.. who's here?
me - mikey and brennen
mom - why are they here?
me - brennen had alcohol at the club and im not letting him drive home tonight
mom - so who drove home from philly?!?!
me - i did
mom - in who's car??
me - mine.
mom - where are they planning on sleeping?
me - in the basement with me
mom - if i walk down there and theyre having sex, im kicking all three of you out
me - haha and where would i go?
mom - at that point i really wouldnt give a shit
me - aww thats cute
mom - if they disrespect me that much to have sex in my house, im kicking all of you out
me - they arent having sex, ill be down there with them
mom - fine.
me - and since no ones going anywhere tonight, brennen bought some wine, we're gonna have a glass
mom - if i come downstairs and see an opened bottle of wine, you're all getting kicked out
me - haha good luck kicking me out, im having wine, im old enough to make my own decisions, have a good    night
mom - yeah?
me - go to bed, youre starting to get on my nerves sweety

so she follows me down to the basement (interesting how she claims to be unable to walk up or down stairs, yet she can scale two flights of stairs so she can continue an argument)

mom - you two will not have sex in my house, is that understood?
me - mom, go back upstiars im done with your mouth. ive already explained your lovely rules
mom - and leave the alcohol in the car, i wont have you drinking in my house
me - i also explained that part, you were obviously too self absorbed to hear me saying just that
mom - i dont really care if you dont agree with my rules
me - kbye!

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its interesting how she just had surgery and im giving up all my free time basically for the next month to helping her do everything. cook, clean, garden, mow the lawn, change the sheets, take care of the dog, wash the cars, run the errands.... thats not really the way to talk to someone who is helping you out... and is your only lifeline. if she had just approached us in an adult manner like "listen, i would really appreciate it if you guys didnt drink in my house, im just not comfortable with it, and please no sex" and left it at that, no one would be angry. i might be a little pissed but not enough to write a fucking blog post about it. but she had to be all cunty about it, so good luck getting me to mow the lawn or cook for you tomorrow.. or at all. you give respect to get it, its not a right, its a priveledge. have a good day mom. hope you drown in your own urine. oh right, you got those depends on, lemme bring you that copy of AARP magazine that came in today. fucking old hag.