ugh exes

so lets be honest, i hate most of my exes lol. i have one that i let slip through my fingers and still miss alot. not to an obsessive amount, but enough to turn a nice night into a night of smoking cigs and sitting in the dark staring at the walls thinking of him for long expanses of time.

what normal people do - gtf over it. he's gone, move on with your life.

what i do - sulk and facebook stalk, oh wait he either deleted his facebook or blocked me.

and when i meet certain people, i see similarities in them with my ex, so i'm both drawn to them but put off because it hurts too much to be associated with them. like i just met this one guy, who's a complete nerd, he's shy in a cute way, and loves obscure internet memes. and looks almost exactly like him. and has the same name lol. i know i should just keep this shit to myself but then why have a blog haha.

so should i keep up the friendship or not talk to anyone who reminds me of him? the obvious answer is the former, but it just sucks so hard him talking about computer programming and me sitting there going "ughhh talk about kesha or something so you stop sounding like adam." thank god he's not a hipster or i would have thrown my arms up in the air and said forget it, bye.

history of adam and i:

met at mya (a gay youth group i went to alot from like 2007-2009) after not going for like a year, this was in june of 2010. so i was kiiiinda interested in this other guy too, but we were all still friends, and the other kid went to mya too, so i was like hey lets all three meet up at the king of prussia mall and hang out. i met up with adam first and i felt this instant connection to him, might have been the fumes fucking with my head from bath and body works haha. but we walked around and saw something funny and shared a laugh that brought us alot closer. then we met up with the second kid, who was dropped off by his MOM, didnt know he was like 17 at the time, so we devised a plan to ditch the second kid, which is just horrible i know, but we were like in that mischievious schoolboy crush phase, so we just wanted to be together, alone. so adam called me from his phone and i acted like it was my mom telling me to come home right now. so i told him i gotta go home, adam walked to another part of the mall and the other kid waited for his mom to pick him up. i drove down to meet adam, and we went back to his house laughing the whole way there. which is awful again i know. i ended up spending one of the best nights of my life with him that night, and we were together until i guess october of 2010. a short lived relationship, but we basically moved in together for a few weeks, we were like attached at the hip, he made me so happy. i went up to visit him in massachusettes like twice a month, he payed for alot of things for me, which i feel horrible about. i sometimes imagine giving him back like $400 he spent on me throughout the whole time we were together just to get him to like me again, which is pretty pathetic, but seems kind of right in my mind. anyway we split up and some words were said, so we didnt talk for a couple months up until christmas break, then i invited him over and we had that awkward oh hi how've you been thing for like 4 minutes, then we lunged at eachother and made out furiously for a half hour hahaha. we decided we'd try it again, then i went into the hospital for a month for an eating disorder and i didnt hear from him once when i was in there, even though he lived 10 minutes from the hospital. so we didnt talk again until like june when i was driving through his town and thought id say hi, and he was very short with me, which should have been a hint to stop trying, but i asked him if i could stop over to say hi, and he said he almost never gets breaks from work so no. so i havent heard from him since, but he told me he moved back home to go to school in philly, which makes me even sadder because now we actually could work better instead of being long distance. but reading this whole monologue back to myself, i know it isnt going to work. i just needed to vent to get me out of this funk. and i know only like 1 person reads this every now and then, its not really specifically for him, i just needed to put it on paper, figuratively, and get it out of my head.

if anyone reads this and has any suggestions, id be more than happy to hear them cuz it really gets me down. now i sound like a sadsack douchebag emo little girl, but idc.

ughhhhhh